“But what about socialisation?” is such a common question to get asked of families who have chosen to home educate.
As a society, we have been conditioned to think that being in an enforced group of same age children is the normal way for children to live and socialise. School, after school club, group classes…more and more of a typical child’s time is in structured age-sorted groups.
But school isn’t even a very good way for children to necessarily socialise.
Why school isn’t the gold standard to compare to
First, there’s the schedule. In both the US and the UK, increasing amounts of time in school have been allocated to subjects and material that come up in standardised testing. Recess or break time has gone down. Some states in the US have even had to legislate to ensure that children get at least 20 minutes recess. 20 minutes! That isn’t enough time to even get a proper break from focused work, let alone work on friendships or get enough exercise. Kids that socialise during class get into trouble for disrupting the class. School is not for socialisation, any chatty kid gets told that often enough!
Secondly, the groups are enforced. Your kid doesn’t get on with or have much in common with the kids in their class? Tough! As any adult who has worked in a team can attest, just because you have to spend time with someone, doesn’t mean you want to be friends. Kids who might have things in common, but are in different grades/years, don’t get a chance to explore that connection.
Thirdly, homework and exhaustion dig well into the remaining time kids have. When my daughter was in school, after school time was mostly about recovery, homework and then getting to bed early enough to try and avoid her starting the next day tired. Weekends were impacted by tiredness, homework and the need to be rested and prepared for the week. It didn’t leave much time for socialising, even with school friends.
Fourthly, school is not the only place children are. My kids are not the only kids not going to school in our area, and they wouldn’t be even in the UK, where elective home education (the British preferred term for homeschooling) is a lot less common than it is in the US.
Of course, some kids make great friends at school and feel they get plenty of socialisation. It’s just that school really isn’t this gold standard of socialisation people can assume.
The good things homeschooling brings to their social life
Our experience has been that moving to homeschooling has meant more far more opportunities for, and better quality of, socialisation. The kids have the time and opportunities to work on real friendships, because of…
Firstly, time. Home education means you have time to focus on what you want to focus on. If you want to spend your Monday taking a hike with friends, you can. Want to hit the playground and enjoy the sun? Go for it! Of course, kids don’t click with every kid you meet, which can mean you need to meet what seems like a lot of people when you’re new to homeschooling or new to an area, but we have the time to try out different things, including travelling a bit further afield sometimes, meet lots of other homeschoolers, and see who the kids and I want to follow up with and meet again!
Secondly, opportunities. There are so many options for meeting new people these days as homeschoolers. Love it or loathe it, Facebook offers a simple way to find homeschoolers in your area, as well as publicising whatever activities are happening locally – from park days to game days to youth theatre. Online video games can also be played by kids in different areas – or stuck in different places because of the pandemic. There are also, certainly in the US and the UK, more people choosing to educate their children outside of the usual school structures. That means more groups being organised, more field trips being offered, more socialising all round. Whilst we are very fortunate in where we live, pre-pandemic, we had a weekly park day, a full day weekly of co-op classes, weekly forest school, group field trips every other week, monthly museum trips, game days at the library…and that was before we tried to fit in hikes with friends and playdates at home.
Thirdly, mixed age groups. Mixed age groups have a lot of benefit for children of all ages (see Free to Learn by Peter Gray for more on this). Kids might make friends naturally with a child a bit younger or older. They might enjoy hanging out with a much younger child or a teen. Teens gravitate together, whether they’re 13 or 17, but naturally support the younger kids. Classes and organised activities with age ranges (even our structured co-op classes usually have a minimum 2-3 year age range), as well as group activities (park days, game days, field trips) with everyone from teens to toddlers and babies, mean children get the benefit of the different ages around them (and parents get the benefit of having teens their kids will listen to better than them!).
But what about…
When you’re new, making friends as homeschoolers can seem hard. Understanding you do not need – or even want – the structure that school gives to this, is a part of deschooling in my opinion.
You have to put the effort in. And yes, that can mean helping anxious and reluctant kids and getting past your own anxieties and reluctance. I know! I’m a sociable introvert. Love hanging out and partying with people I know. Still not great at social situations with people I don’t.
We moved continents and started homeschooling in one fell swoop. With two neurodiverse kids, with an anxiety disorder in play. The kids and I had to make an effort and accept that we are not everyone’s cup of tea.
With the pandemic, this has all got a lot harder. But there are some activities still running. And, if you’ve come to homeschooling because of the pandemic, you are not alone. So there are others also looking to make new homeschooling friends in this weird time, even if being the newbie, and reaching out to people you have never met can be hard.
But it is worth the effort.
And, at least, with homeschooling, you can often give your meeting-new-people boundaries. People with kids of a similar age to your kids. People who don’t think too dis-similarly to you, which for me has meant a lot of groups with other secular homeschoolers, activities organised by other relaxed or unschooling families, and a welcoming, secular & inclusive co-op. Or specific activites your kid likes, whether it’s a certain sport, or a certain computer game.
So, if you’re new and wondering how the hell your kid – or you – are ever going to make friends in this new life, put yourself out there and trust. It will happen.
